funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
