he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
