...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
