I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
