I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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