Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
