Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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