All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
