Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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