if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
