Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
