Where is the hickey?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
