I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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