He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
