I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
