Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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