Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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