Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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