we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
