i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
