I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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