I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
