Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
