her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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