I swear she didn't look like that last week.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
