I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
