You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
3pm strippers are depressing
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize