I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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