the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
