Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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