Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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