I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize