he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
