She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
and you fell through a lawn chair
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
