i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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