I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
