I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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