Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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