8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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