how hairy? two words: wookie tits
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
