Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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