Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize