Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
