When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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