you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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