I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
