I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
