I think I died a long time ago.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
