What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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