things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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