Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
