It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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