I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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