Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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