i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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