Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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