I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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