my being single is dangerous.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
